April, 1998

So you're looking for some fool-proof ways to make that final exit off the highway of the here and now onto the scenic biways of the hereafter? I've got just the advice you need.

Here's a trusted method: locate a pickup truck pulling a travel trailer. Say, a green Ford F150 pulling a 22' Nash trailer, but really any one will do. Then wait until you're both on a long, narrow, twisting mountain road. Drive right up on the trailer's bumper, where you're sure to be out of the range of the pickup driver's vision. Get very impatient. Without looking into the oncoming lane, slam on the accelerator and try to pass her. This works best when the road is uphill, and the yellow line is solid. If you manage to catch the pickup driver's eye, toss her the finger. The longer you keep your eyes peeled backwards in anger, the better are your changes of being hit by that oncoming semi with overheated brakes and a 10 ton load. If it doesn't work the first time, never fear; eventually, it will.

No twisty, mountain roads in your area? No problem. Locate an intersection, any intersection, and wait there, until you see a pickup and travel trailer coming down the road. The bigger the better, especially if trailer is so huge it dwarfs the truck. Wait until the pickup is about fifteen yards away and then pull forward, slowly. You'll only barely know what hit you. This method works even better if you move forward on foot, taking you immediately to your destination without all the bother of waiting around in intensive care.

Superslab more your speed? Here's a quick shortcut to that eight lane highway in the sky: Venture out to a crowded section of highway where the prevailing speed is around 90mph and vehicles are constantly entering, exiting and changing lanes. Look for the pickup pulling a travel trailer cruising along at 55mph, most likely in the far right lane. Repeatedly pull into and out of the 50 feet of space between the pickup and the vehicle in front of it, slamming on the brakes at odd moments for no apparent reason. At some point, perhaps sooner than you think, you will need to brake in earnest, and the pickup will be unable to stop.

This message brought to you by AAA, RVSafety and the Darwin Society, committed to ridding the world of problem drivers.